I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
