I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I don't think brook has ever known best
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
