I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
