Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
