I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
