you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
