Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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