Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
