I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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