Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
