Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
