Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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