You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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