If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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