I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
