this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
