Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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