I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize