there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
