3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
