So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
