he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize