my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
