I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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