does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just pynch a tree in the face
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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