I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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