he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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