last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
im on a boat
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