We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
