I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
