as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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