Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
