I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
