Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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