Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
