Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
