Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
