I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
