I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
