M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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