can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
honey bunches of taint.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
