I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
