I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
