The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
