our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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