Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
