The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
