last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
