I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
