Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
