Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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