i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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