two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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