Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
