apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize