its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
