this beer tastes like vomit already
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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