Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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