thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
