So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
