Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
