I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
